A Cock and Bull Story (Una Historia de un Gallo y un Toro)

Sheffield Stags 2 (Thomo, Sniper)

Team: Miller, Shabba, Gallo, Thomo, Albert Finney, Molinero, Snake, Irish. Subs: Dr Love, Josh, Gangsta, Sniper.

Porcos Bravos 1 (Martin)

Team: Santi, Marcos, Fontaiña, Fran, Argie, Serge, Victor, Martin. Subs: None

Venue: Gym Plus, Crookes, Sheffield.

Attendance: Approx 20 including Boroman, Homer, Ronaldo and Big Duncs in the home end and Nando and Pablo in the away end.


As Spring dawned the sun dutifully adorned the pitch that was later to become the battlefield of the sixth playing of the Anglo-Galician Cup.

The Sheffield Stags, 3-2 up in the series so far, handed debuts to Craig, son of Dave aka The Miller, and nicknamed Molinero (Spanish for “Miller”) and Josh, son of Scott aka “Monkey Boy”. The Monkey Boy sitting this game out along with Fenners due to injury.

Before the game the flag of St George hung proudly behind the Stag’s goal whilst at the other end the flag of Spain, emblazoned with a black bull (El Toro), fluttered behind the goal of the Porcos Bravos. Those responsible for flying the flag over the visitor’s goal were then subjected to a few choice words as they strode back to the safety of their own half. Their plan to rile their Galician counterparts had succeeded.

The first half was a tight contest, devoid of many clear cut chances but far from devoid of comedy as Sergio of the Porcos somehow managed to fall over the ball with no-one within 5 metres of him. At least he fell due to some form of contact; this could not be said of the rather impressive dives of the “Argie”, Lutsky.

The half had promised to be an open affair, as early as the second minute Shabba’s last ditch tackle prevented Marcos from having just the Miller in the Stag’s goal to beat, and then soon after, a snap shot from the Argie flew just wide after he had been cleverly played through by Fran.

The Stags were restricted to very few chances and, other than one or two long range efforts, their best moments came as Thomo’s deflected corner struck the front post and Gallo’s free-kick struck the pie-seller.

Gallo was having a half to forget. A miss-hit back pass allowed Martin a great chance in front of goal but he was denied as The Miller expertly tipped his effort over the bar. The Miller showed further great reactions a couple of seconds later as he crawled back onto his feet to quickly remould his bright-blond hair, just in case the cameras were watching. Then as the half wore on and as the ageing legs of Gallo were visibly ageing even more the Stag’s veteran cynically clipped the heels of Marcos “The “Engine” as he threatened to break clear.

Just before the end of the first half it appeared that the Porcos Bravos had taken the advantage. An almighty scramble in the Stag’s penalty area ended with Sergio wheeling away in delight after prodding the ball home following Molinero’s goal line clearance from a Victor effort. However as the diminutive “27-year-old” celebrated Victor demonstrated the spirit in which the cup has been played by admitting to a hand ball offence during the melee.

The second half was a slightly more open affair as the Stags began to abandon their touch-tackling defensive game and started to play a bit more football. John, “Irish”, was handed a glorious chance to open the scoring when a slick move instigated by the forever youthful Albert Finney (Little Ray) found the Stag’s overseas player on his own in front of goal. Unfortunately the Wolverine look-a-like could not keep his header down and it whistled just over the bar, much to the relief of Santi between the Porcos’ sticks.

The Sniper was getting a little more joy from his battle with the ever-impressive Fontaiña and his harrying of the Porcos central lynchpin resulted in a loose ball that Thomo controlled and volleyed inches over the bar.

However despite the early second half pressure from the Stags it was the Porcos that took the lead. A hopeful ball over the top (and it’s the Stags that get abuse for the occasional long ball!) found Martin in space behind the Stags defence. As “El Delantero” bore down on goal he appeared to over-run the ball but somehow the man who has made scoring an art in this fixture, squeezed the ball in at Miller’s near post. The Miller, clearly expecting a cross, was left floundering in his area.

The Porcos hero was to quickly turn to villain. A few minutes after the goal, and as the Stags were trying to force a way back into the game, the hero-turned-villain handled the ball a couple of metres outside the area. Controversy surrounded the decision with the offender claiming that it was ball-to-hand rather than hand-to-ball. TV replays confirmed his ill-fated claim but they also confirmed that possession was gained, and the danger cleared, due to the handball. The arguments could run for ever but the one thing the history books will show is that the resultant free-kick was emphatically dispatched by Thomo. A left foot rocket which left Santi, the Porcos ‘keeper, motionless as the ball nestled high into the back of the net.

With the scores back level the impetus was clearly back with the Stags and it wasn’t long before they took the lead. Gallo picked the ball up in the middle of the park and with plenty of time he picked out the Sniper. With space in the Porcos area the fleet-footed striker clinically finished the ball low and hard through the legs of the despairing Santi.

The Porcos trailing for the first time in the game looked for an equaliser and Sergio’s long-range effort caused a few nervous moments for the Miller as he needed two attempts to safely gather the ball with an on-looking Argie waiting to pounce.

Despite this effort it was the Stags that looked the more likely to score again as the advantage of having a few subs, and as the Porcos were carrying more weight this time, began to show. The Stags released Dr Love into the game, sporting a pair of 1980’s jogging bottoms, and once his legs were finally doing what his head wanted them to, he gave the left hand side of the Stags some much needed balance and experience as the game entered it’s final stages.

Firstly the Sniper was excellently denied by Santi as he broke clear and then he saw a dipping volley fall agonisingly onto the back of the net. Irish also tried his luck from distance but his effort was high and not-so-handsome and it sailed over the bar, over the fencing and onto the changing rooms building before bouncing down and shattering the windscreen of Shabba’s car. I guess you could say it was cracking effort after all!

In the dying minutes the Snake, who had been admirable at the back all game for the Stags, succumbed to a moment of madness as he tried to dribble his way out of defence and was caught in possession. Fortunately for the Stags as Martin broke free Gangsta, in his usual no-nonsense defensive way, shepherded the ball, and the man, in to touch just as the striker was about to pull the trigger.

At the other end the Sniper had possibly the easiest chance of the match to double his tally but the “fat” striker woefully pulled his shot wide from a couple of metres out. The ball threatening the corner flag more than it threatened the goal.

The Stags looked comfortable but there was one last nervous moment for them to endure as the Porcos played a long free-kick into the Stags area and Fontaiña, who had lost his marker (I was in two minds whether to name Gallo again), narrowly failed to connect with the ball with the goal at his mercy.

That was the last action of a compelling and hard-fought game and one where the Stags deservedly ran out winners and ultimately regained the Anglo-Galican Cup.

Stag’s Man of the Match: The Snake – commanding non-stop defensive performance, ably supported at the back by Shabba, Gangsta and Gallo. His private battle with the Argie saw one or two crunching tackles, from both parties, and he controlled the game from his position at the back.

Porcos Man of the Match: El Toro.