The Euroshit in Frogland. A Guide. Oh Oh, Football belongs to me

European Championships 2016

Of course the highlight of the football season in England was Boro getting promoted, closely followed in Galicia by Celta’s triumphal progress to European qualification. We do however also have the little matter of the European Championships throughout June. A chance for all teams’ supporters to become rampant Nationalists and make borderline racist comments about every other competing nation for a month at least. To ensure this is the case I’m seeking the views of Billy Blightly, born in the East End, to the sound of Bow Bells and a lifelong England Fan. He’s just the sort of chap to give a totally unbiased view on the upcoming combat. Take it away Billy...

Enger-land, Enger-land, Enger-land. Two World Wars and One World Cup do dah, do dah. All right me cock sparrers. Billy Blighty here. Let’s get one thing straight, right. If there is any fahkin’ justice the Three Lions will be hoisting the trophy aloft come the end of this competition and bringing it home to ‘Er Majesty, gawd bless ‘er. We invented the bloody game after all. Problem is the rest of Europe hate us so, just like the Eurovision Song Contest, we expect to get fitted up like a kipper to make sure we don’t win. Still, at least the Jocks didn’t qualify. Hadrian had the right idea there, keep the hairy arsed bastards North of the wall. Any way here’s how I think the group stages will finish.

Group A

France. Our natural enemies innit? Bloody namby pamby Frogs. They are most punters favourites to lift the trophy (if we don’t). As the host nation expect lots of refereeing decisions to go their way. A team full of strikers (lazy socialist gits) That Paul Pogba has got a head like a bog brush. Totally over-rated. I’d like to see him try that fancy stuff on a wet Sunday morning against the Dog & Duck. He’d shit himself, the tart. I hope they meet their Waterloo before the final but I’ve got a feelin’ these Republican mincers will be handed the trophy when the dust settles.

Romania. I’m half expecting Sir Christopher Lee to come back from the dead and lead their line. These shifty tossers look like the undead anyway. Just hope there is enough room in the car park for their caravans, the thieving gypsy bastards.

Switzerland. I bought a cuckoo clock and it stopped working when Chrissy Waddle put that penalty into row Z so I don’t trust the Swiss at all. I know Woy was their manager once but he’s managing a team of real men now not a bunch “neutral” dullards. Expect every game to be Nil-Nil.

Albania. Unless King Zog is playing upfront these lads have no chance. Don’t they eat dogs in Tirana? Animals. I’d rather stick to me meat and two veg thank you.

Group B

England. All of Europe will tremble before Woy’s Red’nWhite army. Our strike force will cut swathes through the continent just like the RAF did in WWII. The flag of Saint George will fly in triumph and there will be a knees up dahn the Old Kent Road. Nobody likes us but we don’t care.

Russia. They are as bent as a David Beckham free kick. The Russki’s success will depend on how much Vlad Putin has paid in bribes to the officials. Let’s hope they shoot down the German plane before the competition starts. They’ve done that before...

Wales. They qualify for one competition in a hundred years and the Taff’s think they are world beaters. Gareth Bale might get a game for Rotherham but no one else in this squad would. Once they get knocked out they can get back to their national sport – sheep shagging.

Slovakia. Useless make weight no-hopers. We’ll beat this lot with our WAG’s team.

Group C

Germany. Awright they have an above average team but please God, anyone but the bloody Krauts. And don’t mention fahkin’ penalties. Their manager looks like he spends all his time down the Reperbhan waitin’ for tricks. Theses Teutonic twats still want to control Europe. I expect Frau Merkel is greasing a few palms in FIFA to make sure the refs turn a blind eye.

Poland. The Poles will fall short again. I just hope they don’t let the Germans roll over them as easily as they did in ’39.

Ukraine. Didn’t this lot support the Nazi’s??? I suspect their national anthem is an anti Stalinist rant and it will top the charts. Set of dirty bastards with nothing up front, they will offer no resistance to the German Blitzkrieg.

Northern Ireland. This piss-poor squad full of 2nd Division journeymen should have stayed down the boozer with Georgie Best. They will be as welcome in this competition as the IRA at an Apprentice Boys Parade. Mind you it looks like they have the whole of the Axis forces against them in this group so they’ll be lucky to get a point.

Group D

Spain. They will win the group but naht else. Their brand of tippy tappy football where you disappear up your own arse after 50 passes is history bruv. Plus their mid field all look like Manuel out of Fawlty Towers. He was from Barcelona you know. Question is will the Galician’s support them if Nolito plays??

Croatia. This set of untrustworthy sons of bitches look and play like the cast from Game of Thrones so expect bloodshed and lots of bare buttocks (probably). Remember these bastards killed Sean Bean so we owe them one.

Czech Republic. I have no idea how these shit-houses qualified. Their game against the Croats will be tasty though. Expect some “off-the ball” action and a few sendings off or possible war being declared after the final whistle.

Turkey. I’ll have chilli sauce with that Kebab, Mustapha. They will be too busy working out how to get into the UK when they become members of the EU than worrying about the footie. I’ve not forgiven them for Gallipoli, though they did kill Mel Gibson so it wasn’t all bad.

Group E

Italy. What a bunch of effeminate surrender monkeys. Will edge through to the next stage winning every game 1-0 but as soon as the going get’s tough they will change sides and hang their manager from a lamp post.

Belgium. A team full of decent individual players who always fail to deliver on the big stage. They are probably crapping themselves that the Germans will arrive in France using a Von Schliffen like sweep through their country when they aren’t looking. You fell for that twice before you idiots.

Sweden. A one man team and he is the most big headed bastard in the history of football. Legend my arse, Zlatan couldn’t lace Tommy Lawton’s daisy roots.

Republic of Ireland. All the luck of the Irish was used up in qualifying. This team is as entertaining as potato blight. The Micks will be that pissed up on Guinness they’ll not notice their shower of shite has been knocked out until August. Stupid Feckers.

Group F

Austria. Half decent team who will top this group but with an inferiority complex when they meet the big boys, especially the Germans of course. And little wonder. Leibenstraum my arse...

Portugal. Ronnie the Show Pony will prance and dance and dive in the area for all he’s worth but they will still come up short. They needed our help in the Peninsular War to beat the Frogs and they’ll be leaving it to us again this time round.

Hungary. Didn’t they support the Nazi’s as well?? Is all of Europe ganging up on us again? We’ll fight them on the beaches etc etc. Below average team who may beat the shop-keepers of Iceland but no-one else.

Iceland. You could have knocked me dahn wiv a fevver when this lot qualified. Total waste of space. All the entertainment value of Iceland Frozen Foods and just as classy.