Wales v Denmark
See Gareth managed to get himself of the golf course long enough to help the Taffs scrape through. Their luck will run out against the Vikings though. Still riding a wave of emotion and strong beer will be enough to kick out the Taffs thank God.
Italy v Austria
This is gonna be a massacre. The spaghettis have been better then I thought. The normally lazy bastards have put a shift in. Someone must be holding their kids hostage. Austria have been as exiting as a night at the bingo. And that Arnautovic is a fucking hero too. Will be glad to see the back of the wanker.
Netherlands v Czech Republic
Not convinced by the Dutchies. Memphis the Pie gets one on target every 10 shots. He’s more overrated then a pint of London Fog. The Boers will win this one but it’s not gonna be a fun watch. The bouncing Czechs are rubbish. Good riddance to the boring bastards
Belgium v Portugal
Beer guzzlers have been World Class for about 10 minutes in every game so far. For the rest of the time they have been like a pub team. I think 10 minutes of class will be enough to get past the waiters but it will be close. Ronnies lads are at least giving him some support, mainly by falling over in the penalty area. They won’t get a pen this time and they will lose.
England v Germany
It had to fucking happen didn’t it? The Three Lions have been as thrilling as finding a pubic hair in your cornflakes but surely we should have enough to beat this shower of shite. The German performances have been the worst since the Siege of Stalingrad. As long as it doesn’t go to fucking penalties……
Sweden v Ukraine
Who gives a fuck? Whoever wins this will be dogmeat to the English in the next round like. I like the colour of the Swedes shirts, after that I don’t give a shit. Ukraine are bollox. Christ knows how they qualified but they are going out now.
France v Switzerland
Nancy boys are another hit and miss team. You know lady luck is on your side when fucking Benzema scores. They will do just enough to beat a plucky team of clog wearing yodellers. Mind you that Shakiri can still hit a ball can’t he?
Croatia v Spain
King Philip lads have been decidedly underwhelming. Like a McDonalds breakfast. 99% possession and nee goals like. OK Slovakia took a bung and rolled over. Their goalie actually scored for the Spaniards for fucks sake. The headcases from Croatia will get stuck in and kick them out. And of course they shagged the Jocks so get me vote. And Please Wotan, not penalties………
Y sobre las cenizas de estos octavos pasajeros vamos a ver con quien nos jugamos los cuartos:
IT’S COM ING HOME, IT’S COMING HOME. LUWIG VAN BEETHOVEN, FREDERICK THE GREAT, HEINRIC HIMMLER, ALAN RICKMAN IN DIE HARD OUR BOYS BEAT YOU GOOD. What a fucking relief. We finally shat on those bastards for the first time in 55 years. We’ll probably get stuffed by the fucking Ukrainians now but I don’t give a shit. We are now onto the last 16. I’m loving this competition. Goals galore, missed pens, the Frogs n Jormans out. Top notch
Switzerland v Spain
Well these sides were involved in two of the best games ever so this will probably end up 0-0. I knaa I’ve slagged off the Manuels but give them credit they are good going forward, though their defense is still as leaky as yer Grannies knickers. They will beat the clog dancers who will be knackered after kicking out those overconfident Frenchie bastds. Not dancing now are you Pogba?? Anyway they will be so drained by that they will be moving around like they have a Tolbarone stuck up their arse. Duke of Medina Sidonias boys will win this one, knaa worries.
Belgium v Italy
This could have been the final. The Beer Barons are still to hit the heights consistently and they will need to be on top form here to best the I-ties. If De Brune is injured they may struggle but I think they’ll scrape through. The I-Ties haven’t looked so unbeatable lately but thye are a jammy set of bastds so who knows. A toss up for this one, but one of these tossers will go out and that’s good news for England.
Czech Republic v Denmark
No one wants to criticise the Vikings for obvious reasons. When one of your players comes back from the dead you do get the impression that you are unbeatable but they aren’t a great side and their luck will run out (against England in the next round) just like it did at Stamford Bridge in 1066. 6 feet of English ground you fuckers. The Czechs are shite and it’s a travesty that they have got this far. Books your flights home you useless gets.
Ukraine v England
England will win…………
A romper el candado a hostias. It’s Squeaky Bum Time
Well now me bonny lads n lasses. We are getting to the business end of the competition with only 4 teams left standing after a frankly exciting last round. Some of the really fancied teams have fallen by the wayside though apart from Denmark, perhaps, the other teams were fancied to do well.
Italy v Spain
Let’s be honest I bet a few of us have been surprised by how entertaining the Italians have been. They must be on fucking drugs the way they run around the pitch and press the opposition. Mancini looks like a shifty bastard, like he’s gonna make you an offer you can’t refuse but he’s a decent manager which he showed at Citeeeh. Though it would be interesting to see these lads manage a team with no money, like Middlesbrough, rather than one with the riches of Croesus. Anyway the usually dour bastards have been surprisingly exciting but just when you are starting to not hate them they go and fucking spoil it all by the usual terrible play acting in the last 10 minutes of the quarter final. FFS they were falling down lick they had been shot to kill time then leaping up when the ref waived play on but mostly it worked and they killed the game off. Twats. In a competition that saw a man actually die on the pitch they should be fucking ashamed and the stooped bastd explayers who say “it’s part of the game” or calling it “professional” should be fucking ashamed too. Call it what it is “cheating”. They should use VAR to show up these fuckwits and get them banned. The bloody Manuels have done well to reach this stage to be honest. I really though once they blew it against the clog dancers in normal time they would lose on pens but amazingly they held their nerve. Mind you if they took even a small percentage of the chances they create they would be world beaters. Imagine them with Harry Kane and not Morrata – though that volley he scored was a Worldie. I think this piss poor conversion rate will bite them in the arse in this game and the Italians will persevere in a close one. Just don’t start rolling around in the last 10 you soft fucking jessies.
England v Denmark
England will win. Next. After a bit of a slow start when watching the lads was as exciting as having a boil lanced we are starting to motor. OK Ukraine were shite in a basket but you still have to see em off and we did that in some style. Good job we scored early though as they had set up to put more men behind the ball than the Porcos Bravos on a trip to Sheffield. You can tell we are doing ok because all the fuckers who were slagging Southgate off earlier are wearing Gareth if God T-Shirts. They’ll revert to the slagging if we lose of course. Anyway I don’t think there is anything like England getting to the later stages of a sporting competition. Millions of people who hours before couldn’t give a fuck are getting totally pissed and singing “it’s coming home” with no idea what it means. Any self respecting England fan will know we have the capacity for devastating disappointment so we never count our chickens. Even so we should beat Denmark, nee botha. The Vikings have done amazingly well to get this far and under normal circumstances you would be wishing the well, like when they shagged the Germans in 1992, but I think this is the end of the road for them. Just don’t fuck it up this time lads.
England v Italy final coming up E Italia ganó a penaltis.
