Euro 20/21 Football Predictions – None Likes Us But We Don’t Care
Howay me muckers, Davey Coalman here, Tynesides’ fearless football pundit. I don’t give a shit me like, I tell it like it is. Forstly, I thought we had left Europe? What the fuck are doing here? It will be like Eurovision all of the bastards will gang up on us like. Does this also mean I have to stand in a massive queue in Newcastle Airport to fly to some godforsaken backwater with me Black passport and Union Jack keks. I divn’t mind going to Benidorm with me mam, like. Best full English I have had but this is bollocks. Also this is the forst competition with VAR. It should be called VARgina cos it’s a right cunt. They call offside if your bollock hair is level with the ball. Well it’s gonna be isn’t it? And you can’t celebrate a goal until some numbnuts has check a thousand times if someone got breathed on in the area. Of course this won’t affect the Jocks as they won’t score. I’ll give a quick run down on the groups and how they will finish then do the next round once the shite has been knocked oot.
Group A
Italy: I don’t want the waiters at my local Italian to spit in me lasagne but I fucking hate these defensive, dirty, diving bastards. They won’t think twice about punching someone in the ribs when the refs not looking but won’t head the ball in case it ruffles their perfect hair do. Nancies. This is a shit group so they don’t need to bribe many refs to get through. They’ll need Tony Fucking Sporano to get to the final.
Turkey: I love a sloppy kebab doon the Big Market on a Saturday night as much as the next man but that’s as near to Torkey as I want to get. Welcome to Hell? You are fucking well right. These are set of big lads who will get stuck in’ specially when the linesman’s having a wank.
Wales: How the fuck did the Taffs get here? Shouldn’t they be manning the barricades a Rourkes Drift? If Gareth “My Little Ponytail” gets injured they are screwed. There will be no welcome in the Hillside when they crawl back to the Valleys, feeling sheepish with their tails between their legs. Which is how they like it. They may beat the useless Swiss but that’s all they will get.
Switzerland: Nice chocolate but that’s it for these bland, boring, bang average set of twats. Watching them will have all the entertainment value of a night out in Sunderland. Plus they couldn’t score doon the Quayside with a £20 note wrapped round their tadger. Nil fucking points from the English judge.
Group B
Belgium: I hear this lot are one of the favourites to win. They have said that the last 10 competitions and these useless gets always find a way to lose when it matters. Like my horse in the Grand National, odds on the win then ends up in the Number 124 with fried rice doon the local Chinese. Is that one hoof or two sire? Plus the team is full of ancient bastards so if it goes into extra time they are bolloxed.
Denmark: I went to Denmark, Nice country but they fucking hate the English. They have never forgiven us for killing Harald Hardrada at Stamford Bridge it seems. Anyway fuck em. It may stop them from coming over to the Toon on the ferry and buying all of our cheap knitwear from Fenwicks. Soft bastads, it would take the Ice Age to get a Geordie to wear a pullover in winter.
Finland: I went to Finland once. Nice country but they hate the English. No fucking idea why to be honest. Anyway they have a few players who play in England. If we lose we should send the buggers back. Another defensive bunch of bastards they set up like a bloody shield wall. Won’t be watching this lot. I’d rather have a Sunderland Season ticket.
Russia: As this one isn’t in Russia the refs won’t be shit scared of ending up in a Gulag if they give a throw in against them. Result – they won’t win a game. The Russian League is piss poor, about the Standard of the Gateshead Sunday Pub League. Plus this bunch of pussies don’t play in the winter cos it’s too cold. Ha ha ha . Try telling that to the lasses doon the big Market in January in their mini skirts and sleeveless dresses. They could eat this lot for dinner, like.
Group C
Netherlands: Johan Cruyff’s dead thank christ. This latest bunch of Boer Bastards are a pale Orange shadow of great teams of the past. Sure they will pass it around for hours on end but no one is scared of them anymore, like the school bully who gets his pants pulled down and he’s wearing his Grannys knickers. Another piss poor group so they will qualify without doing fuck all.
Ukraine: Me Dad used to operate one of these doon the shipyards before that witch Thatcher closed them doon. I have no idea who these lads are and how they qualified but they are shite in a basket. Sure they’ll kick shit out of anything that moves but they won’t win jack. They should stick to Eurovision.
Austria: Bloody Germans in all but name. I think they are playing the Von Trapp children in midfield. They haven’ won one game in Euro Finals they have qualified for but they’ll beat Alexander the Greats mob this time rounds. That’s all though folks. One of their best players plays in Shanghai for fucks sake and that says it all.
North Macedonia: What the fuck? Is there a South Macedonia then? I suppose with a population of a few hundred sheep hearders they have done well to qualify but fuck me the last thing Macedonia won was the Battle of Granicus and they needed Elephants to do that. Total waste of space.
Group D
Engerland: Well stroke me gently we are actually one of the favourites for this one. Clearly we have the best team by miles so if we lose it will be down to bent officials, fucking VAR and the fact everyone hates our guts. The team may lack some Northern backbone being full of soft Southern twats but you have to forget that fact you hate Mancs, Scallies, Btummies, Cockneys and anyone South of Gateshead for a couple of weeks eh? As long as we twat the jocks I’ll be happy to be honest.
Croatia: Another set of dirty bastards who usually do well in these competitions. We’ll fuck em of course but they will qualify from this group too as the rest of the teams are shit. I just hope the don’t wear those crappy red squared shirts. Thay look like the table cloth in a cheap Italian restaurant.
Czech Republic: Another team living on glories past. These jammy bastards beat us in the qualifiers but we were robbed. No such luck this time lads we’ll finish the job and kick their bollocks out. Managed by some bloke whose name would get you 100 points in scrabble their only half famous player plays for the fucking Hammers ha ha ha ha. We’ll blow bubbles up his arse.
Scotland: Jeezus the standard of this competition must be low if this bunch of hairy arsed Jacobites qualified. If my mam wore a ginger wig she could get a game. She’s quicker than Andy Robertson for starters. They can Flower of Scotland” till the cows come home but it will be Flodden Field all over again. Go home and cry into your pints of heavy you sad bastards.
Group E
Spain: I’m sure the Porcos lads will be right behind their national team ha ha ha. Now I can’t buy a holiday home in Alicante I can say I hate these bastds. 99% possession and one fucking shot on goal and that a dodgy penalty. Thay aren’t the force they once were and though they will qualify from the group, just like watching me mate eat squid, it will all end in a shitty mess.
Poland: Thay have some decent players but they have such a chip on their shoulders that the whole world is against them, though they are probably right. Mind you the English will be a close second on the hate stakes. Expect some fancy dan footwork a couple of spectacular goals from Lewandowski along the way but once they have qualified that will be it.
Sweden: I went to Sweden once. Nice country but they hate the English. If I can forgive them for Sven Forkbeard pillaging Lindisfarne that can cut us some slack like. Bunch of average water carriers and Zlatan Fucking Ibrahwhatsisfuck. Self styled greatest human being who ever lived. What a twat. Expect a lot of running around like headless chickens and Zlat arguing with the ref after being caught offside for the 100th time.
Slovakia: What the fuck Is this even a real country?? Is it actually in Europe? I have no idea who thes gets are except their goalie plays for Fulham. He’ll be knackered after letting in a bagful this season.When these lot are on the telly I’ll be watching “Pointless” instead. And that’s what this pack of pricks will be, geddit? That’s Geordie humour man.
Group F
Germany: Group F for Fokkers and here they are. They clearly aren’t the blitzkrieging stormtroopers of old winning everything by assassinating the oppositions goalie and winning a dubious penalty shoot out. But you just can’t write these bastards out of any competition. Like the dog shit that just won’t come off your Nikes they just stick around. Let’s hope Joachim is feeling Low before this all ends. This is comedy gold, man. I should do a turn on at the local workingmens club between the blue comedian and the strippers. Anyway anybody but Germany………
France: Another team among the favourites but I just don’t get it. Most of the team are older than me Grannies tortoise and much slower. Thier best players are vastly overrated show ponies, a schoolboy having a wank behind the bikesheds puts in more effort than Pogba. They will qualify of course but it may be closer than they think. After the Germans my least favourite team because they didn’t pick Allan St Maximin the French Geordie genius. I’d let him shag the missus if I was married and didn’t live with me mam.
Portugal: Another one man team but what a bloke. That Ronnie is a genius. Id let him shag me missus etc etc It would help if some of the other lazy bastards showed up but no chance. Have you tried to get a waiter in the Algarve??? To quote King Kev Keeghan “I’d fucking love it” if they beat Germany or France but it’s not gonna happen.
Hungary: Puskas is dead ferrchristsake. Which is the last time this lot had a decent team. Absolutely no chance in this group. They will get royally shagged in every game. What a waste of fucking time them being here at all.
