We Fought The Bear Before. Zapoi in Mother Russia

Toporom Stukat
Billy Britain’s World Cup Willies

Nah then, I’ve just finished a stretch at Her Majesties pleasure in Pentonville Mansions. We’d have got away with that Post Office job if “Fingers” hadn’t have sung like a canary to the Old Bill. Bastard. Still I’m out in time to watch the football but given England’s chances I’d have been better off doing more porridge. Ok then you waaankers listen up and learn something from an expert. I’ll be down the bookies to put a brick on my predictions so I can buy a new sheepskin jacket and a Purdie. To be honest I’ve never heard of half the “teams” who have qualified. I’m sure they were all part of the Empire at one time but here goes.

Group A

Russia - Let’s be honest Vlad the Vampires lads are a shower of shite. If they hadn’t been hosting they wouldn’t have got within a mile of the finals. Mind you their hooligans are top class. Those thick as pig shit tractor drivers are a bit minty in a bundle though the Brits are still the most feared “supporters” gawd bless em. Expect more action off the field than on it from the Commie bastards who are as defensive as Zhukov at Stalingrad. Their best player is their goalkeeper which says it all.

Saudi Arabia – Richest country on Earth but they are still a bunch of Camel Fuckers to me mate. TE Lawrence had the right idea. Get the lazy bastards to do some graft then stab them in the back, Sweet. No amount of cash will get them to the next stage unless they bung the other teams to take a dive. Bent as a nine-bob note. They have fired more coaches than National Express. The latest took over on Tuesday. They’ll probably chop off his balls when they get eliminated.

Egypt – One-man team and he’s been crocked by that dirty Spanish bastard Sergio Ramsden. That Maureen Salad is a tasty player though, just a shame he plays for those thieving Skally twats. Sign for the Hammers you muppet. I actually think these boy buggerers will make it past this stage but no further. I’m sure they learnt their counter attacking from Monty at El Alamein bless em.

Uruguay – Didn’t these fuckers let the Graf Spee hide in Montevideo during WW2?? Bastards. Not quite as shite as the others in a piss poor group they should win this stage despite having the animal Hannibal Lecter Suarez. Hope the other team’s defenders have had their tetanus jabs. Cavani is a bit tasty too so expect Suarez to take a bite out of him as well. Actually these dagoes could surprise a few this time round.

Group B

Portugal – How the fuck these boring jammy bastards won the Euros is beyond me. I’ve had more excitement on holiday on a wet weekend in Margate. Still you have to hand it to the prancing pony. For a man who spends all his time in the hairdressers Ronnie is still dangerous. And before you ask, of course he’s as gay as Danny La Ru. They will qualify from the group with three nil nils knowing these bland bastards.

Spain – What the jolly old fuck is going on here?!? They sack the manager days before the start? These Spaniards are better comedy value than Manuel out of Fawlty Towers. At least he wasn't from Madrid I suppose. Mind you I could manage this lot. tactics - hold onto the ball and pass in circles until the opposition get well bored, score a goal then defend like hell, meaning kick the fuck out of anyone getting in your half and start diving to kill the clock with 30 minutes to go. Simples.

Morocco – More sodding Camel fuckers. These useless bastards will be out of their heads on the finest hash. Can’t see them doing anything, ever the feckless shits. Apparently, they are well organised and play fast attacking football. Do me a lemon. Carlos Queiroz will be wishing he stayed in England managing a decent team – like Barnsley.

Iran – What the fuck? This must be some sort of sick joke. Have these Persian ponces even heard of the noble game? How did they go unbeaten in the qualifiers, did they bomb the other teams in the qualifying group and who did they beat Scotland?? Their best player Azmoun plays in Russia so at least he won’t have far to carry his bags home when they get knocked out.

Group C

France – These Gallic goons are all style over substance. They go in more circles that the Paris Metro. My old nan is quicker than Paul Pogba for fucks sake and she’s in a wheelchair. They will qualify from another piss poor group but as always buckle under pressure against the better teams like England. They haven’t had any backbone since Zidane chinned that Itie bastard. Like Enerys ‘Ammer that was. Deschamps hasn’t won a trophy with these big headed bastards. That’s not gonna change.

Australia – The only ball tampering going on here will be the Aussie defenders scratching their balls while the opposition run rings round the wallaby wankers. Complete waste of a plane journey sending these cheating bastards to this competition. Stick to what you are good at, training dingoes to steal babies you Colonial jailbird nonces. These idiots don’t even have a coach yet. What the fuck?

Peru – I’ve got a soft spot for these lads since they stuffed the Sweaty Socks back in ’78. Ally’s Tartan Army ha ha ha ha ha. I was wearing a Peru shirt down the rub a dub for weeks after that I can tell you. They had a good run up to qualifying and I think they’ll make it from the group but no further. No shite like the Scots to play this time, sorry lads.

Denmark – Used to look forward to watching the Danes in major competitions. They used to attack like Eric the Red pillaging a Monastery. They are probably still a bunch of Monk fuckers but the longship has more holes than my socks. Not the swashbuckling Vikings of old this mob will go out with a whimper, though kudos for fucking the Micks 5-1 in the play offs but they have shot their bolt.

Group D

Argentina – I’ve never forgiven the fat coke headed twat Maradona for his cheating against the Three Lions. Hand of God my arse it was the Hand of Satan. Add that to the Falklands shenanigans and these lads aren’t my favourite foreigners. Still credit where it’s due. The bastards have the best player in the World (apart from Harry Kane) in Lionel Messy. He’s got some skill for a little cunt though not sure he would survive in the Premier League on a frosty night at the Olympic Stadium. Group winners and may go some way. Despite our rocky past I’d support these lads against the Germans any day of the week.

Iceland – I still can’t believe we lost against this shower of numb nuts in the Euros. One fucking shot on target then parked the bus like Jose at the Car of the Year Show. There can’t be much to get excited about in those long winter nights if their supporters think this brand of football is entertaining. I’d rather shop for frozen pizza at Iceland Foods than watch this lot. Their best player plays for Cardiff City and their coach is a dentist fer chrissakes. I rest my case.

Croatia – This sad bunch of sheep-herders only just scraped it into the competition despite having a few top class club players like Mandzukic and Rakatic. They were probably distracted by a tax man in the crowd looking for Modric. He should be in jail, the tax avoiding toe-rag. They will get through the group but that’s is. Couldn’t happen to a nicer set of twats, good riddance.

Nigeria – Super Eagles? Get stuffed. Their kit looks like it was designed by a partially sighted clown riding in the Tour de France. What’s wrong with plain green for fucksake. They’ll have more success trying to cheat some old lady out of their savings on some telephone scam, corrupt fuckwits. They do have some decent players, mainly ex-Chelsea but they are getting on a bit so they’ll run out of legs like a Cockney after a few too many Watney’s Red Barrel.

Group E

Brazil – I must admit I pissed my pants when these set of arrogant tossers got royally fucked by the Krauts last World Cup but this time out they are favourites to win the lot. It’s about time Neymar proved why he’s the most expensive player in the world rather than tossing it off in the French League which is the equivalent of the Dagenham and District Women’s Second Division. I think every footie fan wants to see a return to the cocksure flair of the seventies Brazilian side, but can this lot deliver? I think they’ll blow it big style but what do I know?

Switzerland – Another dull as fucking ditch water team who couldn’t score in a brothel with a ”pony” strapped round your dick. Stick to clock making and being “neutral” you boring bastards. If there is any justice they will go out without scoring a goal after cheating Northern Ireland in the play offs. Which Swiss Bank account did the ref get his bung sent to I wonder. Twats.

Costa Rica – Fuck me this is getting silly. I’m sure I could get 11 lads from the pub to give these a game. I know nothing about Costa Rica except some mugs are happy to pay well over the odds for their coffee at Starbucks. Also, I hear their last coach got fired after a post-match dust up. What a fucking cretin.

Serbia – No nonsense hard as nails mother fuckers. They will kick their way out of the group no probs but fail when they have to play some positive football. Like a couple of other teams in this World Cup they sacked their coach after qualification. Un-be-fucking-leaveable. If we qualify the boss gets a knighthood from er majesty gawd bless er.

Group F 

Germany – I hate to say this, but the Krauts always seem to be there or thereabouts in the major competitions. They won all 10 of their qualifiers and have quality if over paid players at every position, rear gunner, pilot, bomb aimer. I think this one will be no different as they jackboot their way to the semis at least. Not sure who can stop the fuckers blitzkrieg there way through. I hope it’s England……… on penalties.

Mexico – A few people fancy these Chilli munchers to make an impression at this World Cup. They may scrape past the group, but they will eventually cave in like a piñata at a kids party. Their best player is called Jesus and they will need a fucking miracle to get through. I do like their manager though. Osorio is as mad as a hat stand so look out for fireworks on the side-lines as there won’t be any on the pitch with these useless gets.

Sweden – I wish Ibrahimović was still playing. I loved the big-headed bastard. He talked the talk like a stall holder in Brick Lane, but he always delivered. Loved it when they knocked the Italians out as well, Ha ha ha ha. I’m afraid without Ibra they would have more chance if they played Benny, Bjorn, Agnetha and Ana-Frid up front. Mamma fuckin Mia indeed.

South Korea – Well knock me down wiv a feather. This bunch has qualified for every World Cup since 1986. Why do we forget that? Cos they are shite that’s why. They do have some players in the best league in the world with players at Tottingham, Crystal Palace and, cough, Swansea so will they do well? No fucking chance mate. These lads will be back in the paddy fields before you can say Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious.

Group G

Belgium – A team packed with talent who continually fail to deliver on the big occasion, bricking it like an Italian under fire. How can a team with Hazard, De Bruyne and Courtois in it fail to progress in major competitions? Your guess is as good as mine, but I think they will do well this time out. When you can make beer as well as these cunts you deserve something.

Panama – First time qualifying for the World Cup proper, but I know fuck all about them and their piss poor country. Nice cigars with a touch of scotch down the Gentlemen’s Club but that’s all I’ve got about this bunch of no-name no hopers. You’ll forget they were ever in it. Total waste of time.

Tunisia – How many farking Arab teams have made it this time around? The French Foreign Legion will be worried about being surrounded by hundreds of bastard Tuaregs. It’s bloody Beau Guest all over again. Still remember these lads beating the Krauts back in the day so not all bad but England will tear them a new arse hole. Eagles of Carthage? Fuck me they will be buried and forgotten just like Carthage of old.

England – Footballs Coming Home etc etc. They are not the boys of 66 but we have a young squad who could upset someone along the way to inevitable heartache. Sir ‘Arry Kane is one dangerous hombre. We also have a few quality divers like Deli and Raheem who could win us a few penalties. Mind you I’m worried about the number of double barrelled chinless wonders in the squad – Loftus-Cheek, Alexander-Arnold? Where did we recruit these upper-class twits, Eton? We’ll walk this group (as second obviously). Anything else will be a bonus. All together now “Three Lions on me shirt………”

Group H

Poland – Looked like a decent side in the qualifiers, playing possession football – though it’s difficult to be a decent side without possession fergawdsake. It will be the last time for Lewandowski to make a mark and I think he will bag a couple to help them past the group stages, but it will all end in heartache. Just like in all their history, the rest of the world will gang up and fuck them over big style. What a bunch of losers.

Senegal – I remember these boys turning over the Frogs in a previous World Cup. Get in you beauty. They made the finals in a bit of controversy having a match against the South Africans played again after a match fixing allegation. But there will be no such shock this time round I’m afraid. This poor excuse for a football team will get properly shagged.

Colombia – Why the fuck would you play for Colombia? As if playing in a major competition isn’t pressure enough the players know if the results in their games aren’t what the Drug Cartels expect they can expect to be on the end of a lead sandwich. Crazy Coke heads. Best player James Rodriguez will be hoping he performs better in this that his time at Real Madrid. If you can’t make it in a team of “superstars” where the refs give you every decision you may as well give up. Put yer money on them getting out of this group but no further then duck for cover as the shooting starts.

Japan – The Nips don’t have any “stars” and play as a team. Which means they are shite with no standout players. Don’t worry lads if you are losing you can all put on a white head band, get pissed on Saki and Kamikaze your way into the penalty area looking for a spot kick. Their manager is the well Japanese sounding Vahid Halilhodzic. You couldn’t make this shit up.