A Clockwork Owl. We’ve Got A Hovercraft Full Of Eels And A Basket Of Strawberries

This is the latest in the ongoing “Legends of the AGCup” series. Following England’s ignominious exit from the Euro’s the lads have taken a vow of abstinence so this is being conducted in the work canteen with nothing more than a decent cup of tea to fuel the fire. The questions have been posed by the Porcos Bravos themselves. So without further ado I give you those two cheeky chappies of the Stags, Lee “Flash” Gordon and Ollie “The Quiff” Rae.

What’s your prediction for the next game?

Ollie: Just like Brexit, it will be carnage in Europe. We are confident with the squad we are taking over that we can retain the cup that is rightfully ours. Made in Sheffield, stays in Sheffield.

Lee: Just to make sure we are ready we are putting the lads through acclimatisation training. Drinking 20 pints the night before the game, not going to bed then going straight out to play without any breakfast. We’ll be ready.

What is your price? How much for letting the Stags lose the next edition?

Ollie: I’m easily bought. A few pints of Cruzcampo or a night on the town with the Porcos WAG’s will do it.

Lee: We’ll need to see photos of the Porcos WAG’s before we agree to that mate.

The Stags have banned their leader, Thomo and exiled him to Abu Dhabi and suddenly improved a lot….do you think the Porcos should follow the example with the Main Porco?

Lee: Who’s that then? Is it Arturo?

Ollie: I didn’t know there was a Main Porco

Do you think the Stags will sign Sergio now he is a Yorkshireman?

Ollie: We’ll do a transfer if you take Andrew “Zidane” Phelan. He doesn’t speak Spanish but he had Paella once.

Lee: However Andrew has a song around his nickname! Goes a bit like this:

“We’ve got Andrew Phelan
I just don’t think you understand
He looks like Zidane, Plays like mi’ nan
We’ve got Andrew Phelan”

I can just here the crowds in Ponte singing this one.

Do you really like Galicia /Pontevedra and the Estrella Galicia or would you prefer to play in Malaga or Benidorm drinking Cruzcampo in Mexican hats?

Lee: For me it’s Benidorm every time. It doesn’t piss down everyday and you can get a decent full English breakfast.

Ollie: And they have “Sticky Vickie”. Isn’t she one of the Porcos WAG’s?

How important is your hairstyle?

Ollie: It is vital. I’m hoping the Hotel Barca has decent hairnets, shower caps and hair products to protect my Barnet. You’ll notice I never head the ball, ever.

Lee: I’m just worried about losing my hair. We’ve a few lads who take their grooming seriously apart from Rob “Sleepy” Walker. No amount of hair gel stops him from looking like he’s been dragged through a hedge backwards. Then there’s Steve Boyles “Cul De Sac” hairline and “Monkey” Mark Haymans which looks like Lloyd Christmas from Dumb and Dumber!

Premier League or La Liga?

Ollie: La Liga? Is that some semi-pro, girls league sponsored by the actors guild?

Lee: Premier League every time especially when the Owls join Boro next season in the Premier League, although Richard “Barca” Burgin may disagree.

According to FIFA, in the top 20 best players in the premier league there are 6 Spaniards. Does that mean the best players in Anglogalician are Porcos Bravos?

Ollie: Funny you should mention the number 6. So the Stags scored a goal for every top Spanish player in the Premier. How ironic.

Lee: Well in that case it might be 20 top Spanish players in the Premier League next year mate! I notice there are no Galicians in that number too - All that rain gives them two left feet.

Blades or Owls

Ollie: We are from the better half of Sheffield, Carlos’ Blue’n’White Wizzards. We do have a couple of piglets in our squad but that’s a community service.

Lee: We are all Deportivo aren’t we? Best team in Galicia by far cos they play in Blue’n’White stripes.

Will England Football Team win something important in the Summer?

Ollie: Yes, we’ll retain the Anglo Galician Cup. We are gonna get Sponsored by Iceland Frozen Foods so we can feel like winners.

Lee: We’ll win in 2018 when the FA appoint Ray Cundy as next England Manager.

Ollie, what do you think of Captain Flash?

Ollie: He’s a man with many facets. Marvel Superhero, inspirational leader, Prince amongst men or a complete tosser. You choose.

Lee: 100% winning record as captain. Enough said.

What City do you like most in England, apart from Sheffield of course

Ollie: Newcastle, just like the Porcos who told me it was full of great beer and filthy women. What did they get up to in the Toon?

Lee: They got so ruined in mind and body that they were there for the taking. And we took them. I’m still gutted we managed to somehow concede a goal to them.

What is the worst part of the AGCup?

Ollie: It messes up my hair

Lee: Seeing Ron Claytons arse a few years back when he was in a ground floor room at the Hotel Barca and left his curtains wide open along with his legs. One of life’s real low points.

Who are the natural enemies of England: Germany or France?

Lee: Brussels and the rest of Europe it appears. And Nigel Farage, what a cockwomble. He gives the bad Brits a bad name.

Ollie: Come October it will be the Celts of Galicia, then back to everyone else after that. No one likes us but we don’t care.

Do you think Stags will one day decide on one kit rather than change everytime?

Lee: With Thomo in charge we are lucky to have a kit at all. We’ll end up playing in vest and pants.

Ollie: ‘Handy’ Andy Marriott has asked if we can play in our pants anyway. I’m worried about that lad to be honest.

Lee: He can share a room with Ron, he may enjoy it.

What is worse Thomo at football or Boroman on guitar.

Ollie: I’ve not had the “pleasure” of listening to Boroman on guitar but Thomo’s got a left peg like Stella McCartney.

Lee: When sober, it’s Boroman, when drunk, and he’s always drunk, it’s got to be Thomo.

How important is the enormous media apparatus of AGCup

Ollie: I like being talked about even if it’s being slagged off by some Russian thug who thinks this shit is real.

Lee: I’m hoping the resulting deluge of hits from the Stags on this article takes us above Ukraine in “most users” table. Come on England.

What are your favourite pubs in Sheffield and the rest of England.

Ollie: I don’t really like “proper” pubs. They have no telly, no music, the beer tastes like sweaty socks and they are full of boring bastards who smell like a farmers field. I like sports bars where they show the match, I can get a tequila slammer and the tittys on tap.

Lee: Spearmint Rhino for me. The Cruzcampo, Sagres and Carling is cold and the birds are hot. I’m sure I’ve seen Serge in there showing his tits off for a fiver.