World Cup Is The Straw That Breaks The Camel's Back. Willies And Poppies En Las Catárticas Arenas Del Destino.

I have to admit I’m finding it hard to get excited about this one for a number of reasons. Qatar. For Fuck's Sake, what were FIFA thinking? Many a palm has been greased to take the competition to a country with no football footprint quite apart from the appalling human rights record. I’m sure the strict rules on alcohol consumption will not go down well with the average footie supporter. How can you watch England without being pissed? “He likes your lemonade” Fuck off. Next. Too many shit teams manage to qualify. I remember when World Cups were contested by Western European Teams, all our natural enemies, like France and Germany. Easter European Teams hade up of hard men in short back and sides who looked like they had just finished a shift at the local tractor factory. Then there were the South American teams a mixture of dirty bastards and sublime football artists who always blew it if the competition was in Europe. Finally why hold it in the middle of a football season? Complete bollocks. Cash is king. I’m gonna be more worried about Boro avoiding relegation then who wins this farce. Whatever, this will be a nice diversion rather than worrying if I can afford to put the heating on I suppose. Of course the winners will come from one of the top sides but let’s hope for some great football, lots of goals and anyone but Germany lifting the cup. I’ll set out how I think each group will finish. Once we get to the knockout round I’ll give my predictions for that stage.


Group A

Netherlands. No longer the home of Total Football in fact they are bang average but will top a shit group, Johann Cruyff will be spinning in his grave. Before nutmegging the defender of course.

Senegal. The best of the African nations but that’s not saying much. Their football is still ponderous, but they have real problems to scoring goals. Big bastards bit no subtlety.Like the English rugby front row.

Ecuador. Young and freescoring in the qualifiers they will find the step up in quality too much. Most of these lads have probably never flown on a plane before too so I don’t expect them to provide any shocks.

Qatar. For Fuck's Sake. What can I say? I would expect my local Sunday morning pub team to beat this lot. If it wasn’t in their home country most of these lads would be parking your car at the hotel

Qatar 0-0 Ecuador
Senegal 1-2 Netherlands
Qatar 0-2 Senegal
Netherlands 1-1 Ecuador
Ecuador 1-2 Senegal
Netherlands 3-0 Qatar


Group B

England. I genuinely believe we have the players to go a long way in this competition but we seem to get all defensive the further we go. More of that later. We’ll win the group with Sir Harry Kane getting off the mark.

Wales. A combination of experienced players, some indeed well past pension age, and pure old Welsh passion should see the sheep shaggers get into the next round. Gareth Bale will make an impact at this stage.

USA. They have a half decent side but won’t worry the big boys. Their fans can then get back to watching rounders and pigskinball and not mispronouncing “soccer”

Iran. Pure makeweights. Theyn will have to continue to dream of the Peacock Throne and the last time they were great which is before they got their arses kicked by Alexander the Great

England 3-0 Iran
USA 1-1 Wales
Wales 2-0 Iran
USA 0-3 England
Wales 1-1 England
USA 1-0 Iran


Group C

Argentina. One of the favourites. It will be Messi’s last World Cup, will he finally be a winner? It’s not the most talented squad but will top this group so let’s see how they are playing.

Poland. Robert Lewandowski. Enough said…….

Mexico. The Taco munchers are usually entertaining but just not good enough to beat the bigger sides. It will be more Day of the Dead than Carnival.

Saudi Arabia. Oil money still doesn’t buy a decent national side. Should have sent Man City reserves, a pointless draw against Mexico is all they will get.

Argentina 3-0 Saudi Arabia
Mexico 0-1 Poland
Poland 2-0 Saudi Arabia
Argentina 2-1 Mexico
Poland 0-2 Argentina
Saudi Arabia 1-1 Mexico

Group D

France. Those damn Frenchies are another of the favourites. They should qualify easily from another weak group. They too have an ageing squad but will be tough to beat. We’ll get their measure after they have can-caned through

Denmark. Now Erikson is fit and well (why the hell did he go to United? Did his collapse effect his brain?) We can concentrate on the footie. The Danes are always dangerous opponents and will run the Frenchies close

Tunisia. Another Arab side who may flatter to deceive but will ultimately come up short. They will be out muscled by the two big boys when the chips are down and disappear like the drifting sands.

Australia. Jeez Louise cobber it’s the wrong shaped bloody ball mate. Stick to sledging and ball tampering at the Gabba. They shouldn’t be anywhere near a major footie competition,

Denmark 2-0 Tunisia
France 2-0 Australia
Tunisia 1-0 Australia
France 2-1 Denmark
Australia 0-3 Denmark
Tunisia 0-2 France

Group E

Spain. Do they still play the tiki Taka? I hope not. They are usually as exciting to watch as Hartlepool Reserves but are always very difficult to beat, with their defenders well versed in the dark arts. That means dirty bastards who get away with murder.

Germany. They don’t seem to be the power they once were but we thought that after WW1 didn’t we. They somehow always seem to do well even with an average squad. Let’s hope qualification from the group is as far as they go. Anyone but Germany

Japan. Now they have more players playing in Europe, albeit in the Dagenham and District Second Division, they should be better placed to give it a go in a major tournament. But like a Kamikaze pilot at Midway they will fall short.

Costa Rica. The South American minnows will struggle in this group bigs tyle. Costa Brava would have a better chance. Still, nice coffee. Cheers.

Germany 2-0 Japan
Spain 2-0 Costa Rica
Japan 1-0 Costa Rica
Spain 3-2 Germany
Japan 0-1 Spain
Costa Rica 0-3 Germany 

Group F

Croatia. These lads always play with a mixture of sublime skill and extreme violence so are very tough opponents. I fancy them to win the group though expect a few bookings along the way.

Morocco. This will be the major shock in the first round. These Riffs will qualify ahead of the Belgians.

Belgium. Is there anyone under 30 in this squad? Fucking Dad’s Army and no mistake. Yes they have World Class players but they will need a mug of Horlicks at half time to get them through to the 70th minute when they run out of steam. In a major upset these old farts will not get past this stage.

Canada. Wow I didn’t think the Cannuks had a footie team. They will disappear like a snowman in Ibiza.

Morocco 1-1 Croatia
Belgium 2-0 Canada
Belgium 1-1 Morocco
Croatia 2-0 Canada
Croatia 1-0 Belgium
Morocco 3-1 Canada

Group G

Brazil. The Samba boys are well fancied to go all the way. Maybe not the magicians of past World Cups but they will stride through this group. Lets hope for some entertainment along the way. More difficult tests await.

Serbia. Another functional side, about as exciting as a night out in Barnsley but difficult to beat. They will be too strong for the other teams in this group apart from the winners.

Cameroon. Oh for the days of the 100 year old Roger Milla and his gang of smiling assassins. These lions are more like pussy cats in comparison. Expect some fireworks along the way though.

Switzerland. Is this the World Cup for old codgers or what? Some of these lads have been around since William Tell was a nipper. As dull as Swiss Roll no one will remember they even played in this one.

Switzerland 1-2 Cameroon
Brazil 2-0 Serbia
Cameroon 0-1 Serbia
Brazil 3-0 Switzerland
Serbia 2-1 Switzerland
Cameroon 0-2 Brazil

Group H

Uruguay. Tough as nails no nonsense side with a dash of quality, certainly enough to progress in this group. The game with Portugal will feature more diving than the Olympic Games high board and cards a plenty.

Portugal. Another legend seeing his last World Cup, will we see Ronnie Ronaldo the football genius or the petulant man child. I hope for the former but expect the latter. If he scores it will be a penalty and a dodgy one at that.

Ghana. I have to say I know nothing about these lads. They will be a footballing breath of fresh air or crock of shit. You decide. I know what my moneys on.

South Korea. I always expect these lads to be better than they turn out to be. Without Tottenham's Son they are royally fucked.

Uruguay 1-0 South Korea
Portugal 1-1 Ghana
South Korea 1-1 Ghana
Portugal 0-1 Uruguay
Ghana 0-1 Uruguay
South Korea 0-1 Portugal