Salchichas, Panzers, Y Valkirias. Euroscum In Fritzland. IV Try.

EURO 2024

Lets be honest we have never been popular with the rest of Europe (Eurovision nil points) and obviously the shit show of Brex*it has made up a laughing stock. It’s that backs to the wall, thin red line that brings out the best of us (no I don’t believe this bollocks either} but as one of the favourites can we actually pull it off this time. I bloody well hope so. I’ve listed the teams in order of how I think they will finish.

Group A
GERMANY

As hosts they will have the advantage of playing in familiar stadiums in front of their own fans, This however, won’t mask the fact that this is an ordinary team who have struggled recently. The jury is still out on the manager and most of the players come from the piss-poor Bundesliga, They have been given an easy task in heading a weak group (obviously) but they will struggle beyond the next round. Franz Beckenbauer will be spinning in his grave.

SWITZERLAND

The Swiss always seem to qualify for the majors. Made up of some experienced old timers and young bucks they usually have one or two decent results then lose against any decent opposition. This will be no different. They will qualify behind the Germans but that will be it.

HUNGARY

There are some who fancy the Magyars to spring a surprise and qualify for the next round. They are a much improved side but I don’t think they will do it. They will be difficult to beat and their games should be close but if they qualify I’ll watch a Sunderland match all the way though as penance.

SCOTLAND

Let’s face it the Jocks were bloody lucky to qualify but their luck will run out here. Completely devoid of any star players this Flower of Scotland is a stinking pansie. They won’t win a game and will make Ally’s Army look like Brazil. They’ll be back in Glasgow crying into their pints of heavy before they know it.

Fixtures
14/6 Germany 3-0 Scotland
15/6 Hungary 1-2 Switzerland
19/6 Germany 2-1 Hungary
19/6 Scotland 0-2 Switzerland
23/6 Switzerland 1-2 Germany
23/6 Scotland 0-1 Hungary

Group B
SPAIN

No surprise these lads are one of the favourites for the competition. With quality players at most positions they can beat the best. They will perform here as they do in every game, Dominate possession win 1-0 until their lack of a quality striker comes to bite them in the arse and they get knocked out. Then they will sack the manager for underachieving.

CROATIA

Another side who usually perform well in big competitions. They have masses of experience and are never a push over. It’s a tough group but these are tough lads who always make it difficult for the opposition. That’s why I have them to qualify above the Italians.

ITALY

They are defending champions but this is a poorer side that got a lucky win last time out. I just don’t see them getting past Spain and Croatia who have superior squads. They are still reeling after the shock resignation of Roberto Manchini and are playing without a quality striker. So it’s arrivederci Azzurri.

ALBANIA

Remember King Zog? No. me neither and no one will remember this bunch of no hopers once the dust has settled. Their 0-0 draw against Faroe Islands tells you everything you need to know. Scoreless and pointless they will get shafted in every game.

Fixtures
15/6 Spain 2-1 Croatia
15/6 Italy 3-0 Albania
19/6 Croatia 4-0 Albania
20/6 Spain 2-1 Italy
24/6 Croatia 1-0 Italy
24/6 Albania 0-4 Spain

Group C
ENGLAND

Surely we can’t blow it this time can we? We clearly have the best squad in the competition with some real top class performers at the highest level. But this is England we are talking about. We have a tendency to play teams off the park then retreat into our shell. Allow them to level then lose on penalties. I honestly think it will be different this time and we’ll actually pull it off and you’ll never hear the end of it.

DENMARK

They always seem to qualify for the majors and are fancied to do well but never quite deliver. They performed poorly in the World Cup too. So whilst they have the experience to qualify from the group I don’t expect fireworks from this mediocre squad. Another team without a recognised striker who may struggle to score goals so entertainment may be at a premium.

SERBIA

These lads were frankly shit at the World Cup and I expect a little more from them this time. They will be competitive and won’t finish bottom but it will not be enough to upset the big boys. 3rd place in this group will qualify as a success.

SLOVENIA

Surprise qualifiers it stops being fun from here. They may not be pushovers but will run out of steam and have a hard time competing over 90 minutes. Expect no points and a short Hotel stay for these minnows.

Fixtures
16/6 Slovenia 0-1 Denmark
16/6 Serbia 0-2 England
20/6 Slovenia 0-1 Serbia
20/6 Denmark 1-3 England
25/6 England 3-0 Slovenia
25/6 Denmark 2-1 Serbia

Group D
FRANCE

Most peoples favourites to lift the trophy {not mine. I hate the arrogant bastards} there is no doubt they possess a squad filled with World Class players including one who is purportedly the best in the World. I’m yet to be convinced. They will no doubt stroll through this group and it seems the only thing stopping them will be that self-same arrogance where they totally underestimate an opponent. It won’t happen in group stage but here’s hoping for a slip up further down the line.

NETHERLANDS

Oh for the days of Total Football where Gods could be seen in Orange jerseys. This is a half decent team who have quality players in defence and midfield but the lack of a quality striker will be crucial. They have some of the best fans in the world too but they need to enjoy it early as it won’t last past the group stage.

POLAND

A team with a rich history of international competition but one that is a shadow of the great teams of the past. They were very lucky to squeak past Wales to qualify, thank goodness, they will be found out here. They have one of the Worlds best strikers but he’s getting on and has little support. They will be vying with Austria for bottom spot.

AUSTRIA

A team of dullards who would be happy to play out 0-0 draw every game though that will be beyond them here. Expect a couple of severe beatings along they way. The only sound of music will be the ball hitting the back of the Austrian net.

Fixtures
16/6 Poland 1-2 Netherlands
17/6 Austria 0-4 France
21/6 Poland 3-1 Austria
21/6 Netherlands 0-2 France
25/6 Netherlands 2-1 Austria
25/6 France 2-0 Poland

Group E
BELGIUM

Always fancied they have a habit of imploding at the big moments. This squad have lost some of their Golden generation – not sure why they say that as they won fuck all- they still have some world class players though Father time will be having a word soon and this will be the last chance to win something significant, They will have tougher days ahead but will easily head this weak group.

UKRAINE

They have a half-decent squad with some quality and a whole lot of passion which should be enough to qualify from this piss-poor group. They will also obviously have the sympathy of the majority of the neutral fans. given world events but this will only take them so far. They will enjoy the ride I’m sure.

SLOVAKIA

They qualified well but in a weak qualifying group so will be severely tested here. They certainly won’t unsettle the big boys but one win could be enough to judge the competition as a success. Small wins but sometimes that is enough.

ROMANIA

Vlads lads had zero wins in their last appearance in the Euros and there is nothing to suggest this will be anything different. In the past their rough and ready playing style would upset opponents but nowadays you can sneeze near a player and he’ll go down like he has been shot. Expect a raft of yellow cards and the odd red from these musclemen. At least it will be fun I suppose.

Fixtures
17/6 Romania 0-1 Ukraine
17/6 Belgium 3-0 Slovakia
21/6 Slovakia 1-2 Ukraine
22/6 Belgium 2-1 Romania
26/6 Slovakia 2-1 Romania
26/6 Ukraine 1-3 Belgium

Group F
PORTUGAL

They could be considered outsiders to win the whole shebang but will breeze through this group. They have top quality players throughout the squad and won’t be worried about the quality of opposition thus far. They play attractive football and are usually worth a watch but will be tested against tougher opposition at a later stage.

TURKEY

Another team who promise much but underperform on the big stage. I think they have enough quality and grit to qualify behind the Portuguese in a very weak group but will come a cropper later against better opposition.

CZECH REPUBLIC

It is between Turkey and these lads for second place and do not be surprised if they nick it. They finished second to Albania in the qualifying round so that tells you the current state of a once proud football nation.

GEORGIA

Let’s face it they won the cup when they qualified but Georgia won’t be on anyone’s mind for long or just as long as it takes to concede the first goal. Hey at least they have a decent Rugby team.

Fixtures
18/6 Turkey 1-0 Georgia
18/6 Portugal 3-1 Czech Republic
22/6 Georgia 0-2 Czech Republic
22/6 Turkey 1-2 Portugal
26/6 Czech Republic 0-1 Turkey
26/6 Georgia 0-3 Portugal