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| Dicen que es la segunda competición más importante del planeta football |
Brazil - The favourites, no doubt about it. Don’t expect the flowing football of old though. This lot are bit more rough and ready like a night out in Stockton but they’ll be hard to beat especially with Lou Ferrango in the team. Will the weight of expectancy prove too heavy a burden?? This country will not accept failure.
Croatia - Expect the usual mix of elegance and grit like Fer and Argie combined. Will the rarefied atmosphere be their undoing as it always has been for European teams? Will rely heavily on Mandzukic for goals but will be in the mix.
Mexico - Struggled to qualify and about as exciting as a $1 taco. Last time they had a decent squad Pancho Villa was president. Will be Mexican waving bye bye at the first stage.
Cameroon – This could be the youngest squad in the competition or the oldest who can tell? This isn’t the team of previous World Cups though. They will struggle to make any real impact and we’ll be left with memories of Roger Milla the oldest swinger in town.
Spain - Will the holders be able to reproduce the style that made them kings? Looks like a squad who may struggle to score despite a lot of possession. Nowadays Torres would lose a foot race with Fatty Arbuckle. They will progress from the group but like Barca they will be found out later in the competition.
Chile - I tip them to be the surprise package in this group. They will be fun to watch and tough to play against, just like the Boro. As an omen they have a player named after two Galician legends Arturo Vidal you can play the guitar like a god and like pies, probably...
Netherlands - Strolled through the qualifiers but usually flatter to deceive in the later stages. I’m not a fan of the Dutchies, always think they are better than they are. I predict a shock and they will fall at the first hurdle. Cocky bastards.
Australia - If they can get their squad of beach bums from spending all of their time eyeing up the totty on Copa Cobana they will be difficult to beat, but get beat they will. Stick to Aussie Rules lads.
Ivory Coast - Star studded team with not one but two Toure’s and the old diver Drogba. They are all getting on a bit to be honest but they’ll still make it out of the group stages.
Colombia - Bit of a mystery this lot but you can usually be guaranteed some entertainment on the way be it on the field or off with the fear of reprisals from the Drug Lords should they lose a game. They also beat Uruguay and Chile in qualifying. I still miss Carlos Valderrama’s hair. He looked like he should have played bass in Earth, Wind and Fire.
Greece - Defence is as stable as a Greek Bank. These guys take austerity to new levels. All of their matches could end up 0-0 but it won’t be enough to make them progress. Thank the Gods.
Japan – Makeweights in this group, they have some useful players but just not enough experience at this level. Defence is prone to committing Hare Kari so there will be no Rising Sun this time around.
Italy - Always well organised and used to progressing in World Cups but this is not a great Italy team. They lack any real superstars. Will qualify from a weak group but then it’s Arrivaderci Azzuri.
Uruguay - It’s all about Suarez it seems. Will we get the goal scoring genius who has set the Premier League alight or the arm bighting diver? I hope it’s the former, except when they play England of course.
England - 1966 seems a long way away. We will continue to pay the price of too many exports in the Premier League and the skill gap will be in evidence. Most of these lad’s couldn’t trap a pig in a passage. Will Hodgson let the youngsters have their head and attack attack? Doubt it. It’s not coming home. Get used to it.
Costa Rica - A bit of an unknown quantity this lot. They could cause an upset, though beating England wouldn’t be an upset, but not strong enough to progress.
Switzerland - In my Panini stickers album most of these lads look like they should have been extra’s in “The Last of the Mohicans” but they are a good side. They defend like the Spartans at Thermopylae and could be one fore the neutral, boom boom.
Ecuador - Talented attacking team but with no defence to speak of they will be like the Stags after a night on the beer. Start well but quickly degenerate into a shambling mob. At least they won’t have the hangover to go with it.
France - A team still in transition. The Gallic flair and élan of the teams of Platini and Zidane seem a distant memory. I can see only failure here. More Bo Diddley than Baudelaire.
Honduras - Could be another surprise package. They are going where the weather suits their clothes and will be workmanlike rather than thrilla dilla but will be hard to beat.
Argentina - My favourites to win. Quality throughout the team and is this the time for Messi to finally set the world stage alight? I think so. See I have mentioned them without reference to the Hand of God – Oops sorry.
Bosnia-Herzegovina – Their first World Cup but I reckon they will make the last 16. They attack with the abandon of an alcoholic getting to the bar for last orders. Expect goals, goals at both ends when these lads play.
Nigeria – An ageing squad who could only draw with Scotland in a recent friendly. They must be shit. The Super Eagles look more like the crap budgies these days so an early exit expected.
Iran - Qualified in a very week group and the quality of the opposition will be too much for them. The moving finger writes, and having writ gives it a big middle digit and moves on.
Germany – I hate to say this but this is an excellent team that should be in contention right up to the closing stages. Excellent players in all positions but at least they haven’t got Franz Beckenbauer strutting about like he’d just won a seat in the Reichstag. I just hope England don’t have to play them.
Portugal - Qualified on the back of a remarkable Ronaldo performance. Will the presence of the preening ponce be enough to help them progress? Bet he wishes Gareth Bale was Portuguese.
Ghana – The African Nations Cup is usually a tedium fest of 0-0 and 1-0’s. Like most of the African sides these boys will be skilful but you just can’t see where the goals will come from.
USA – You still expect these lads to come up to the line of scrimmage after a goal. Just like the Porcos they don’t seem to have a settled starting line up. As soon as they lose Jurgen Klinsman will look for a job in the English Premier League so I hope they make it to the final.
Belgium - This team is full of excellent players so could be one of the surprises. Well organised and with a potent front line they will be influential but can you be confident in a nation who put mayonnaise on their chips? I can’t. Good choice for an after match beer though...
Russia - This team proves the adage: Money can’t buy you love. Will get through the group but Vlad’s lads will go no further and the free world with breathe a collective sigh of relief. Hope they get kicked in the oligarchs.
South Korea - Any mention of Korea brings back memories of the North Koreans at Ayresome Park in 1966. Everyone was worried about mass defections to the West but the ploy of basing them in Boro worked. It was so bleak and desolate they were happy to go back to Korea as will this lot.
Algeria - A few people fancy this squad to cause a few upsets but I’m not one of them. Will they sweep majestically through the competition like a desert wind? No they will disappear like a Camel’s fart in a sandstorm.
